The journey of creation

We are on the verge of finishing our next song. This time it seemed to go a little smoother than our first attempt. Rob and I have been doing music for many years, but only recently did we embark on making music with each other. When I met Rob, I didn't mention that I was a singer for quite a while. I really didn't consider myself a musician.  Looking back, I'm not sure why. Probably because of insecurities and doubts, but mostly because I was never given a chance to really show what I could do.

In church, I didn't belong in the same clique as the worship or choir leader. I think that as long as I didn't sing bad, they didn't care much what I did. I'll never forget this one week, when the worship leader had no one else singing with him on Sunday, but me. He almost looked disappointed, like he had to settle. He would always tell his "stars" what to sing and how. But when he got stuck with just me, an alto, no less, the attitude was "just do whatever." He really, truly did not care. Another member of the church, who was also a musician, came to me after service and told me how impressed he was with my voice and range. He was also the same person that later would record, mix and master the worship team album, in which I was not included. So many wounds to my ego and soul over the years, they made me feel like I just wasn't good enough.

I gave up on serious singing, resigning myself to being the "queen of karaoke." At least there I was really good compared to the other singers, especially after everyone had a few drinks. I was really great then! Once I was singing "Lights" from Journey and a man grabbed the other microphone and joined me, doing harmony. He later came over and asked me to join his church choir, claiming that they needed me. I told him I wanted nothing to do with church. He still tried to convince me and gave me his card. I didn't call, but kept the card around because it made me feel good to know someone appreciated my voice.

One of those karaoke nights, Rob was there and he heard me sing.  He told me he was really impressed and that I was the best singer there. I had never felt so validated! I think that the idea of us doing music together must've been born that night. I sure would've laughed at him if he suggested it then. Sometimes you need someone to believe in you, even when you don't.

The process of creating a song can be painful. You struggle with the ideas, the notes, the technicalities... You endure through it because you know that something beautiful and amazing will come forth. There's no turning back once the muse takes a hold of you. It's a great feeling when you get over a hurdle, you accomplish something, and the song is taking shape. You don't really know what the end result will be, not completely. It evolves right before your eyes as you keep working at it. Then you finally declare it done. You could keep going, changing things around. But something inside you tells you to let go. You have to believe in what you have created. You have to believe in you.