Inner Voice

Growing up I lived in a very strict household. My parents were very religious and the church we attended believed that almost all pleasures were sin. You were a really good Christian if you were miserable, poor and always gave thanks to God for everything, even being poor and miserable. I'm not sure where the Bible says "thou shalt not go to the movies, wear pants if you're a woman or listen to secular music, for yours shall be the fires of hell." I never found it anywhere, but yet that's how we lived. My dad frowned upon any display of emotion, good or bad. If you laughed too loud, you were immature. If you cried, you were weak. If you were angry, well, that was OK, as long as it wasn't me. So I was basically denied the human right to feel, anything, at all. That didn't quite stop me, it was very difficult to hide, but I was good at it after a while. To this day, I can hide my emotions if I choose, although it is very painful and lonely. It always made me feel like I was somehow broken, defective, and not good enough. This is what the first verse of the song "Inner Voice" is about.

Fast forward to my 20s and it was quite unclear to me what I believed anymore. Is there a God? Does he really care about me? Does he listen when I pray? It felt like a waste of time to believe in someone I couldn't see, but still I feared him. It was a part of my psyche be afraid of God. I wanted nothing to do with him. Eventually, I began attending church again, initially to have a place where my son could learn about how to be a good person and have a social circle with activities. But eventually, I became extremely involved. I was a volunteer for everything, went to every service, class and event held. I was there literally every day for one reason or another. It gave me a reason and a purpose. Of course, one of the bad things about church is that there are real human beings there that can hurt you. The pain was so deep because somehow I held them at a higher standard. I thought they should really be above all the gossip, lies, hypocrisy, and bullying that they preached against. After many, many years and a few churches later, I finally gave up on meeting anywhere on Sundays to praise whatever concept of God they might have in that particular congregation. Again, I felt broken, defective, not good enough.

So now it's just me, still trying to figure out what I believe in. I'm still not sure, but I've opened my mind to many other thoughts that I hadn't dare explore before. One thing I do know for sure, I will always be with me, no matter where I go, so I might as well get acquainted with myself. One of the things I really love is psychology, because it helps me understand myself and others in a way religion never could. I've taken the Myer Briggs personality test a few times before, and I took it again today. I'm still a INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging.) One of the traits of this kind of personality is that "They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand" (http://lonerwolf.com/myer-briggs-free-test/.) That's truly how I've lived my life.  I count so heavily on my instinct to decide how I want the details of the song to go, what feeling do I want the song to have. Yes, now I have allowed myself to feel, to feel free, to freely feel. I may be broken, defective, not good enough to others, but I'm learning not to care.

It's not an easy thing to love myself. In fact, it feels very foreign and strange to me. I'm starting to realize that I'm my own best company. We are born alone and we die alone. What happens between birth and death and the relationship with myself is up to me. I've decided to accept and love me as much as I love others, or at least really try. They can't or won't be with me always. The harsh reality is that I can't count on anyone to be with me every second of every day. That's one reason why so many people need to believe in someone divine who can. Maybe that's why so many have discovered that they have their own divinity. We look for answers outside ourselves, but they can only be found within. We must learn to befriend ourselves and listen to our own inner voice.