Inner Voice

Growing up I lived in a very strict household. My parents were very religious and the church we attended believed that almost all pleasures were sin. You were a really good Christian if you were miserable, poor and always gave thanks to God for everything, even being poor and miserable. I'm not sure where the Bible says "thou shalt not go to the movies, wear pants if you're a woman or listen to secular music, for yours shall be the fires of hell." I never found it anywhere, but yet that's how we lived. My dad frowned upon any display of emotion, good or bad. If you laughed too loud, you were immature. If you cried, you were weak. If you were angry, well, that was OK, as long as it wasn't me. So I was basically denied the human right to feel, anything, at all. That didn't quite stop me, it was very difficult to hide, but I was good at it after a while. To this day, I can hide my emotions if I choose, although it is very painful and lonely. It always made me feel like I was somehow broken, defective, and not good enough. This is what the first verse of the song "Inner Voice" is about.

Fast forward to my 20s and it was quite unclear to me what I believed anymore. Is there a God? Does he really care about me? Does he listen when I pray? It felt like a waste of time to believe in someone I couldn't see, but still I feared him. It was a part of my psyche be afraid of God. I wanted nothing to do with him. Eventually, I began attending church again, initially to have a place where my son could learn about how to be a good person and have a social circle with activities. But eventually, I became extremely involved. I was a volunteer for everything, went to every service, class and event held. I was there literally every day for one reason or another. It gave me a reason and a purpose. Of course, one of the bad things about church is that there are real human beings there that can hurt you. The pain was so deep because somehow I held them at a higher standard. I thought they should really be above all the gossip, lies, hypocrisy, and bullying that they preached against. After many, many years and a few churches later, I finally gave up on meeting anywhere on Sundays to praise whatever concept of God they might have in that particular congregation. Again, I felt broken, defective, not good enough.

So now it's just me, still trying to figure out what I believe in. I'm still not sure, but I've opened my mind to many other thoughts that I hadn't dare explore before. One thing I do know for sure, I will always be with me, no matter where I go, so I might as well get acquainted with myself. One of the things I really love is psychology, because it helps me understand myself and others in a way religion never could. I've taken the Myer Briggs personality test a few times before, and I took it again today. I'm still a INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging.) One of the traits of this kind of personality is that "They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand" (http://lonerwolf.com/myer-briggs-free-test/.) That's truly how I've lived my life.  I count so heavily on my instinct to decide how I want the details of the song to go, what feeling do I want the song to have. Yes, now I have allowed myself to feel, to feel free, to freely feel. I may be broken, defective, not good enough to others, but I'm learning not to care.

It's not an easy thing to love myself. In fact, it feels very foreign and strange to me. I'm starting to realize that I'm my own best company. We are born alone and we die alone. What happens between birth and death and the relationship with myself is up to me. I've decided to accept and love me as much as I love others, or at least really try. They can't or won't be with me always. The harsh reality is that I can't count on anyone to be with me every second of every day. That's one reason why so many people need to believe in someone divine who can. Maybe that's why so many have discovered that they have their own divinity. We look for answers outside ourselves, but they can only be found within. We must learn to befriend ourselves and listen to our own inner voice.

The journey of creation

We are on the verge of finishing our next song. This time it seemed to go a little smoother than our first attempt. Rob and I have been doing music for many years, but only recently did we embark on making music with each other. When I met Rob, I didn't mention that I was a singer for quite a while. I really didn't consider myself a musician.  Looking back, I'm not sure why. Probably because of insecurities and doubts, but mostly because I was never given a chance to really show what I could do.

In church, I didn't belong in the same clique as the worship or choir leader. I think that as long as I didn't sing bad, they didn't care much what I did. I'll never forget this one week, when the worship leader had no one else singing with him on Sunday, but me. He almost looked disappointed, like he had to settle. He would always tell his "stars" what to sing and how. But when he got stuck with just me, an alto, no less, the attitude was "just do whatever." He really, truly did not care. Another member of the church, who was also a musician, came to me after service and told me how impressed he was with my voice and range. He was also the same person that later would record, mix and master the worship team album, in which I was not included. So many wounds to my ego and soul over the years, they made me feel like I just wasn't good enough.

I gave up on serious singing, resigning myself to being the "queen of karaoke." At least there I was really good compared to the other singers, especially after everyone had a few drinks. I was really great then! Once I was singing "Lights" from Journey and a man grabbed the other microphone and joined me, doing harmony. He later came over and asked me to join his church choir, claiming that they needed me. I told him I wanted nothing to do with church. He still tried to convince me and gave me his card. I didn't call, but kept the card around because it made me feel good to know someone appreciated my voice.

One of those karaoke nights, Rob was there and he heard me sing.  He told me he was really impressed and that I was the best singer there. I had never felt so validated! I think that the idea of us doing music together must've been born that night. I sure would've laughed at him if he suggested it then. Sometimes you need someone to believe in you, even when you don't.

The process of creating a song can be painful. You struggle with the ideas, the notes, the technicalities... You endure through it because you know that something beautiful and amazing will come forth. There's no turning back once the muse takes a hold of you. It's a great feeling when you get over a hurdle, you accomplish something, and the song is taking shape. You don't really know what the end result will be, not completely. It evolves right before your eyes as you keep working at it. Then you finally declare it done. You could keep going, changing things around. But something inside you tells you to let go. You have to believe in what you have created. You have to believe in you.