It is all those things, but not all the time. There are real life issues, such as logistics, equipment, finances, schedules, etc. Which amp/mixer/software to buy? How high end can we go right now without limiting the possibility for expansion and yet not breaking the budget? What color to choose for the acoustic foam? What kind of seating should there be without taking up so much floor space? How to cover the concrete floor to make it comfortable and still aesthetically pleasing? What the hell did I get myself into?
Then the doubts start to set in. What if I'm not good enough to spend all this time and effort making music? I need to work on my stage presence. What should I wear? Do I need a "look?" I need to lose weight. Maybe I'll just wear black all the time. My hair is too curly but I don't like it up all the time.. Maybe I'm too old, too Hispanic, too female, too... me!!
Breathe... omm...
No one understands your own fears and insecurities better than you, no matter how hard you try to explain them. It makes you feel so very alone. Please, for the love of all that's holy, don't tell me to "get over it." That is the opposite of helpful, which is unsympathetic and unobliging. I will eventually come out of that anxiety, it won't take over my life and control me. But it is still there, it is real, and I have to deal with it every day. Most of the time I can ignore it and keep moving. Other times, I just need to release it, just talk about it and hope that someone will be there to tell me that it's going to be OK. A lot of the time, that someone is me. Pick yourself up, girl. You're tough, you'll get through this. This, too, shall pass.
So the acoustic foam is blue and charcoal. I still have to figure out how and where to hang it up in the room. I really want a love seat but might have to settle for a couple of smaller chairs. The technical stuff I leave mostly to Rob, although he's always asking my opinion and explaining how everything works. He just finished building a computer specially for recording and mixing. I can't wait to be all setup and rolling.
Putting my heart and soul out there takes a lot of courage. It's an exciting and scary adventure. I do rely a lot in intuition, especially when I don't have enough information. I am learning a lot with every step. All I can do is keep stepping, one day at a time. When those spiritual, inspired moments do come, I will remember that I am just fine, and breathe. Omm...
